I stepped onto my bathroom scale Sunday. It is something I do every week, although I can usually tell just by the way my clothes fit whether I’ve lost weight. I knew before I stepped on that I hadn’t lost weight, and that I probably had gained weight. The scale confirmed my suspicions.

Since the new year, I had lost 16 pounds. I had actually lost 14 of those pounds pretty quickly, and then nothing for a long time. And now, since the new year, I’ve only lost 8 pounds. Which means, I’ve gained back 8 pounds.

I hate this weight thing. I hate weighing in, but I always hope that the numbers will shock me into something. I think the numbers did that this week. I haven’t been exercising, and I hadn’t made any progress on losing weight, so I think it confirmed that I need to renew my vow to exercise regularly.

It is also depressing, weighing in, because my weight can fluctuate so much in just the space of a day. And then I try to record my weight loss progress, and it is as if there is no progress, which, of course, lately there hasn’t been any progress.

When I went to stand on the scale Sunday, my husband was in the room. I tried blocking the results with my toes, but he was pretty determined to see my weight. And it sort of ticked me off. I was already upset with my weight, and then he made a comment that was supposed to be encouraging, but I did not need to hear it right then, and I responded in a very snotty manner.

I keep thinking the first step in weight loss is admitting I have a problem, but I have been admitting I have a problem for almost two years. I think it is time I take the second step, and I keep taking that second step. I can’t quit quitting. Or rather, I did quit, and now I need to restart again. Exercise. Right. I need to do that. Really. Because I am tired of not losing weight. And, yet, if there were a quick fix solution, I’d jump at it. Right not, I think I’m 80 pounds overweight, although I’d be happy to lose 60. Heck, at this point, I’d be happy to lose 10 or 20. I’d be happy to lose.

Today, I stepped on the scale again, thinking maybe yesterday (Sunday) was a fluke. I was up another pound. Gah.

I spent most of the last four weeks away from home, and I had high hopes that it would result in some weight loss.

Instead it resulted in a lot of picture taking, and in each picture, I was a little surprised by exactly how big I am.

And all of this picture taking ended with me burning all of my huge photo files onto CDs, and it had been a long time since I had done that, and my computer was nearly full. So I was looking at pictures of me from 2005, 2006 and 2007.

I realized that in 2005, I wasn’t that much overweight. Maybe within 20 to 30 pounds. Doable, right? But starting in late 2005 and all through 2006, I bloomed. This coincided with me starting grad school. I know that at one point I gained 20 pounds in less than 2 weeks time. Part of it was because my time was spent sitting and working or driving and eating.

And that’s how I ended up like this. Overweight and a bit depressed about it. And yet, not quite depressed enough to actually get off my butt and do something about it. I make lame attempts. For instance, I did get up at 6 a.m. and walk, but I only did it one day so far this week.

A new study came out this week that says the people you love influence your weight. So if you are trying to have good habits, you need to surround yourself with people who have good habits. I know this has worked with my husband and whether or not we actually get up at 6 a.m. to walk. When one of us isn’t motivated, the other one can talk us into it, but it works the other way too, and lately it is working the other way a lot.

I’ve been trying to get a better understanding of my body size compared to other body sizes I see. And I’m larger. And I don’t like it. Yesterday, I was at a restaurant and sitting at a bar behind me was about 7 tiny tiny girls wearing almost nonexistent skirts. Most had no curves. And rather than get depressed, I tried to think differently.

Throughout this incredibly unsuccessful attempt to lose weight, I have been trying to lose it all. I even figured out that if I lost X amount a week, I would have lost it all by X date. I did the math but not the loss. Now, I’m thinking I need smaller goals. Not as small as one pound a week because that doesn’t work for me. Weight fluctuates too much in a day that it just gets depressing.  My first goal? Twenty pound, preferably before the end of the year.

And exercising — walking three times a week and other exercising. No more working on my computer for hours without a break. I need to get up and get moving in between too. I need the break. So basically, I am recommitting to losing weight. Don’t quit quitting, right?

My goal — some day in the future, I will no longer be bigger than the average bear. My body in 2005 would be nice.

The first week of this writing workshop, I met Rachel. She’ll turn 50 in a short time, and she is on her way to losing the last 10 pounds of her 50 pound goal. Losing weight isn’t the only thing Rachel has changed about her life recently, but she has definitely committed to a more healthy life style.

We’re living in the dorms on the north end of campus, and Rachel is walking to the workshop every day (there and back) despite 90 degree heat. I walked with her one day. I didn’t really have the shoes to do more than that. As I drove by her in my car, I asked if I could transport her bag for her. She declined, saying she wanted to have the extra weight.

As we meet for meals, and even when we went to Applebees, Rachel didn’t waiver from her goal. She watched her calories, as well as something else — I don’t know what. Um, protein? I’ll have to ask her. She is an inspiration.

The first week, late at night, a group of us were chatting in our dorm room, and we were talking about weight loss. I mentioned I was almost 100 pounds overweight, and I wanted to lose about 75. Rachel was astounded. To her, she said, I didn’t look overweight. I asked her to guess how much I weighed. She said 180. That’s always a hard question — you tend to say less than you really think. But when I told her I weighed 237, she was shocked. Ah, the advantages of my five extra inches.

This week we’re here for five days, and I brought my tennis shoes. I need to walk. Maybe not to the workshop (my deodorant can’t take it), but walking every day. And maybe Rachel can lend me a little bit of will power. I need to be more diligent in saying no.

One night a group of us went to Applebees after 9 p.m. for half-price appetizers. Rachel went because she knew Applebees has a Weight Watchers appetizer. She saw something on the menu she’d like to try, but she couldn’t find the points value. She asked the waitress, who tried to find out and finally came back with a phone number to get the information. Instead of eating the item anyways and vowing to do better another time (like I would do), Rachel declined the unknown points and went with what she knew was OK.  Later, Rachel learned what she wanted was actually less points than the other, so on our next trip to Applebees, she ordered the item.

The first trip to Applebees? I ordered the spinach dip and chips which are probably enough calories to keep me in good stead for a day. I don’t know for sure. The next time I ordered nachos and ended up taking most of those home, so I did better (if you don’t count the two bahamamamas). Ah. Will power. I can’t stop trying though. If I think about it enough eventually I’ll start doing it too, right?

My favorite find — I found Hormel makes these fabulous meals that store in a cupboard and heat up in a microwave in about 60 seconds. They taste great too. Rachel noted some of them are just as good or better than the Weight Watchers as far as whatever it is she watches. I asked Rachel, she looks at fat and fiber content too. Her WW meals have to be frozen. This is great considering I’m living in a dorm four to five days a week right now.

And instead of eating one of my good meals today, I am going to go eat somewhere. Today I gave my teaching demonstration, and I grew more nervous as the time passed, and then I had to sit there for a half hour without me making any comments and listen as others commented about my demo, and I grew really nervous. I actually kept my hand in front of my mouth to keep me quiet. And I just need to leave this room for a bit. And I need some will power. Maybe Rachel has some to spare.

I so want to lose weight without the work. I wonder if Staples makes an Easy button for that.