Someone was making a photo quilt for my husband’s grandmother, and I was supposed to supply a family photo that included my husband, me and our four kids. I lined us all up on our couch, set the timer on my camera and snapped the photo. Then I checked the photo out, and I decided the photo would not work. My hair needed cut, and my butt looked too big. It seemed to spread out along the couch. It was the widest part of my body. I didn’t provide the photo to the quilt-maker.
As I looked at the me in that picture, I realized something I didn’t want to know — I was fat. That was around October 2004.
It turns out that it is all a matter of perspective since, about two years later, in July 2006, I was in another family photo, and after the image was snapped, I realized I was even fatter.
And, looking back at that attempt at the photo for the quilt, I realized I wasn’t really that fat in that photo. I was a little overweight, but I wasn’t obese. Now, I’m obese, and trying to keep from becoming morbidly obese.
This is one of my problems. I don’t have a good sense of my own body size. I think of myself as skinnier than I really am. And then I’m confronted with photographic proof, and I have a hard time adjusting my thoughts to take in the reality.
When I was really the size of the quilt-photo, I thought I was big because I was thinking of myself as smaller than that. But now I have the new photo and I’m bigger, and I would love to be back to the size I was in the quilt photo. So now, in comparison to my new reality, I feel like the quilt photo was skinny. Of course, that is part of my warped sense of body size working there. Is it ever possible to have a truthful and healthy sense of your body size?
I find myself comparing my body size to other women I know. Am I bigger than her? Smaller? Is that what I look like? I’m never quite sure. I don’t know.
So, let’s take a look at where I am — in pictures. I’ll add more as I find them and think about them.
To start, I want to talk about the photo I have as a header for this blog of my dad and I. I was 16, and the photo is circa 1986. I had a horrible perm, but my body size was healthy, and it looks especially so juxtaposed next to my dad’s unhealthy body size. My mom took this photo, and we were in Arizona. My dad probably didn’t like the photo, and he definitely would have hated me posting it on the Internet. For one thing, he is showing his belly, something he didn’t do in public. You can also see the nitroglycerin patch on his chest. My sister thinks if I post this photo of Dad, I should post photos of me that I hate too, and I will try to do that.
The next photo is when I was in high school. I was a cheerleader and the drum major in band. (Go Vikings!) I was also a bit of a nerd, but I didn’t really look like a nerd. This photo was taken in 1989, and I was a senior.
Here’s a family photo taken in May 2004 at my niece’s wedding. Other than when I was pregnant, I didn’t really think I had a weight problem until 2004, which is when I started gaining weight. But right now, I’d be happy to be back at this weight. Although I also realize camera angle plays a part too.
For instance, in the next photo, taken January 2005 with my mom, I look pretty skinny, if I do say so myself.
Notice, however, that I am standing sideways. In another photo, taken the same day, I don’t look as skinny when I am facing the camera directly and my hips are included in the picture.
I’ll post more photos from different times in the future.
Updated Jan. 10, 2008:
This photo documents the last time I wore my “fat pants.” At this point, I have lost 25 percent of my goal:
